You Suck! An Honest Open Letter To My Depression
Here on my blog, I’ve written about the topic of mental health many times and, in particular, my struggles with depression. Today, however, I’m not going to talk about my depression; I’m going to talk to my depression. If I could tell my depression one thing and have it hear me, it would be this, you suck! I chose to use the word suck in particular because it’s so appropriate. Those of you who have suffered from depression knows that it’s the biggest joy sucker in existence it sucks all the purpose and enjoyment and happiness out of your life.
I know that you are there all the time because I have dysthymia, so your effect is always there, always present. Then you decide periodically to turn it up a few notches and add regular depression on top. DOUBLE depression? Well, that’s just great!
Even when I don’t have double depression, I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to jump out of your hole and drag me in with you.
One thing that I absolutely despise is how you’ve come to be known as “walking with the black dog.” I hate this for several reasons. Firstly I love dogs, including black ones. One of the few things that still give me joy in life is playing with a happy dog. Believe me, nothing about you brings joy, so comparing you to a dog is not only inaccurate but bloody unfair to dogs! If I had my way, I would call you something far more descriptive. Here are a few things that I came up with:
- Walking under the black cloud
- Trudging through the grey (I always feel like I’m wandering through the featureless grey landscape when I’m very depressed. It feels like I’m the only real person and everyone around me is a ghost that I can’t reach.)
- Fighting the depression demon — because you ARE a demon!
Any one of these seems far more accurate and descriptive than walking with the black dog. I don’t believe we should give you a cute name because there is nothing cute or happy or fun about you. I want nothing more than for you to go away and never come back. Believe me, I have never met a dog that I felt that way about.