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Depression? Chronic Fatigue? Or am I just dead inside?
An exploration into why I feel stuck in a world of grey and if there might be any avenues of escape.
I would like to concede at the outset that this appears to be a rather dramatic title. Dead inside? Really? The truth is that when I sat down to write this piece I genuinely tried to come up with another way to put it. Nothing else captured it as concisely or as honestly.
To talk to me you wouldn’t know how much of my time is spent feeling this way. It’s been so many years now that I’m great at wearing the mask and putting on a show. Funny, friendly, outgoing Claire. Bursting with positivity. If I confessed how I feel to my friends they’d be shocked and protest it can’t be true, I always seem so cheerful! “Seem” is the operative word though isn’t it? It may be to varying degrees but we all have a mask of some kind that we put on when we’re with other people. One only allowed to slip a fraction when with our closest loved ones and completely when we’re by ourselves.
For a lot of years now I’ve felt adrift in my own life. The things I used to enjoy and look forward to deserting me one by one. Now it’s rare if I can even read for more than half an hour before my concentration dips too low and I realise I’m no longer taking in the words…
